Sample regulation from the IRS (funny)

Albert Einstein allegedly once said that the US tax code is the only thing that is "impenetrable to the human mind". In my studies of retirement plans, I have found this to be quite true. Today I became so tired of reading IRC minutae, that I wrote my own little piece of the tax code. I honestly think I could get congress to adopt it if I submitted it to them. See what you think:

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If a person is less than 59 and a half, but greater than 40, and he retired before the Clinton Administration but After the Reagan administration, and social security income comprises less than but not equal to 35 and 1/3 %, adjusted for inflation during odd numbered years only, prior to the enactment of the Employee Security and Increased Income Benefits plus Free Cheese for Pygmies act was passed, then he may or may not be allowed to use the 4/5ths rule when calculating the value of his dependents' portion of an irrevocable trust from life insurance proceeds... NOTE that this does NOT apply to pacific islanders or blind midgets who lost a leg while working on the railroad during the depression.

If a person began to draw social security using tax dollars collected before 1946, and part of those dollars included wooden nickels, then the non-taxable portion of the wooden nickels may not be subject to minimum withholding according to the Smith-Shyster-Huckster and Screwem act of 1976. Any descendant of a civil war veteran who receives proceeds from wooden nickels may use these proceeds to purchase retirement supplies such as ridiculously big sunglasses, polyester pants, and oxygen tanks, but not lottery tickets (unless sponsored by qualified Indian tribes on Indian reservations or bona fide casinos owned by persons who are at least 1 / 35th Indian). If the civil war descendant is from a union soldier, then the benefit shall be increased by 50 basis points, or 10 times the number of canteens found on the battlefield, minus the retirement age of the oldest officer in the war, whichever is less. If the civil war descendant is from a confederate soldier, the wooden nickel rule applies. In the case that a descendant has ancestors from both sides, a graduating scale will apply, based on the aggregate increase in value of wooden nickels and civil war era canteens.

In any case that an individual attained the age of 70 and 3/4 before 9/13/2000, the principal portion of his IRA proceeds shall be subject to a mandatory high water test. If the plan is participating and contributory, the high water mark shall be deemed to have been met, unless the plan is non-qualified. If the plan is non-qualified, the high water mark will only have been met if an increase in vested employer contributions exceeds inflation as determined by the consumer price index by a factor of two times, reduced by the baseline increase of social security as determined by congress. If the high water mark is met, an employer will qualify for safe harbor designation if and only if he has shown due diligence in sheltering employee contributions, or is part of an enterprise zone, or has taken significant steps to reduce global warming. If an employer has not been found in safe harbor, and the high water mark is met, then 1/2 the principal after 9/13/2000 will also be taxed, plus any interest earned that was credited with a rate of greater than 10%, or if it was compounded daily rather than monthly.

I could go on... but why? Of course the real question is, why do we subject ourselves to this enormous drain on our economy, as well as the micro management and control that goes along with it?

And the winner is....

As I'm sure you're all aware, the results of this election are now in. My personal goal was to carry 5% of my district. Believe it or not, that's a fairly lofty goal for any 3rd party candidate in a 3 way race. When it was all said and done, I fell just short of that goal, receiving 4.76%. Throughout this campaign, and all future campaigns, we should bear in mind that at this stage of the game, our primary goal is to grow the LP and promote it as a viable, legitimate alternative to the monopolistic "Demopublican" system we are under. I know I can honestly say in my race, the Jeffersonian ideal of smaller government was ONLY represented by myself and the Libertarian Party. With that in mind, let's review what was accomplished in the last 6 months:

Thanks to your support, my campaign was able to: 1) visit nearly 4,000 houses, distributing campaign literature to each of them about myself and the Libertarian Party, 2) Identify more than a few new potential party members and activists, 3) Get numerous stories in the news media about the LP and our ideals (I lost track of how many articles and mentions!) 4) Become acquainted (and on good terms) with our Republican State Representative, 5) Raise nearly $2,000.00 for my campaign! 6) Placed nearly 100 yard signs, and last but not least 7) land a lawsuit in federal court against several individuals in government who lack even the most fundamental comprehension and/or respect of our state and federal constitutions.

I've learned a great deal in my first campaign. I fully intend to come back stronger, smarter, better financed, and with even more support in 2008. As a party, our goal is to achieve "major party" status in Kansas by 2010. In order to do this, we will need to pull at least 5% in a statewide race. We are well on the way to realizing that goal. In the meantime, I would like to offer my sincerest congratulations to Mr. Ed O'Malley for his victory in our race. Despite our differences, he is an honorable man and will serve us well for the next 2 years in Topeka. I'm certain that he has no doubt, however, that we will meet again soon in a debate forum near you!