Everything that's wrong with America
Kids these days!
Yes, it's a cliche. Yes, the fact that I employ this cliche shows my age. But as with all things redundant, there's truth in it.
So what's wrong with America, besides kids these days? I'm working on a list...
1. Obsession with things that don't matter. Case in point: a ridiculous article I ready recently on Yahoo! news (surprise, not). The author was a writer for, of all things, that most erudite bastion of intellectual discourse, COSMO. What was the thorn in her side? Well, it wasn't the $10 trillion in debt that our benevolent government is going to add to our ledger in over the next 10 years. It wasn't the erosion of liberty, the devaluation of the dollar... no, it was text etiquette. This brainless breeder cow was more concerned with whether it's OK for your BFF to text u with abbreviations like cula8er than she was with.... oh, I dunno.... THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Case in point, her use of 2nd person plural pronouns in place of 2nd person singular pronouns in the interest of political correctness. If your friend is a moron, THEY probably read cosmo. No, HE probably reads cosmo. FRIEND=SINGULAR, THEY=PLURAL, match them up you bimbo, just as you would your sun dress with one of your 800 pairs of shoes.
2. The financialization of America. Why is it that there is more money being made re-arranging money than there is actually BUILDING THINGS? Simple: DEBT. We're awash in debt, and someone needs to be paid to shuffle it, primp it, prune it, beautify it, water it and talk to it. America needs debt wisperers. Pssst... there's a fortune to be made playing a shell game. You won't add anything of value to the economy, but who cares, right?
3. Using kids to pimp your shit. Stop putting kids on the radio and TV to sell your crap. It's not any more cute than it was when you used them to record your answering machine message. We don't think your kids are cute, get it? In fact we think they're brats. YOU think they're cute. WE don't. Sell your own snake oil, stop using your kids to do it.
4. Vice taxes and laws. You can take these and shove 'em. We don't for a minute think you're more moral than we are, and we damn sure don't think we OWE you ANYTHING just because we drink, smoke, use drugs, hire whores, pay stippers, or rent goats for Roman style orgies. (OK, there should be a tax on goat orgies, because not even I would go that far). We're not going to take it anymore. We're buying tobacco seeds and growing our own, just like we do everything else you outlaw: UNDERGROUND. Nothing changes, but the gummint LOSES revenue, becomes a hypocrite, and fills up prisons.
5. Shopping carts. They're too damned small. This is AMERICA dammit. We like things BIG. I want a shopping cart so big it needs a V-8 diesel engine of its own. I'm tired of trying to crap 3 days worth of groceries into a cart the size of a matchbox.
6. Guys wearing flipper-floppers. Do I need more proof the sperm count has gone through the floor into the basement? Do you NOT own a pair of BOOTS? Or at LEAST some effin A tennis shoes? Seriously sweetie, you're little pedicure may be cute, but save the damned flipper floppers for the beach and the bathroom, even if if they do match your new golf visor. A few of us still have our balls intact, and just because your wife has yours in a jar, it doesn't mean we want to look at your tootsies.
Yes, it's a cliche. Yes, the fact that I employ this cliche shows my age. But as with all things redundant, there's truth in it.
So what's wrong with America, besides kids these days? I'm working on a list...
1. Obsession with things that don't matter. Case in point: a ridiculous article I ready recently on Yahoo! news (surprise, not). The author was a writer for, of all things, that most erudite bastion of intellectual discourse, COSMO. What was the thorn in her side? Well, it wasn't the $10 trillion in debt that our benevolent government is going to add to our ledger in over the next 10 years. It wasn't the erosion of liberty, the devaluation of the dollar... no, it was text etiquette. This brainless breeder cow was more concerned with whether it's OK for your BFF to text u with abbreviations like cula8er than she was with.... oh, I dunno.... THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. Case in point, her use of 2nd person plural pronouns in place of 2nd person singular pronouns in the interest of political correctness. If your friend is a moron, THEY probably read cosmo. No, HE probably reads cosmo. FRIEND=SINGULAR, THEY=PLURAL, match them up you bimbo, just as you would your sun dress with one of your 800 pairs of shoes.
2. The financialization of America. Why is it that there is more money being made re-arranging money than there is actually BUILDING THINGS? Simple: DEBT. We're awash in debt, and someone needs to be paid to shuffle it, primp it, prune it, beautify it, water it and talk to it. America needs debt wisperers. Pssst... there's a fortune to be made playing a shell game. You won't add anything of value to the economy, but who cares, right?
3. Using kids to pimp your shit. Stop putting kids on the radio and TV to sell your crap. It's not any more cute than it was when you used them to record your answering machine message. We don't think your kids are cute, get it? In fact we think they're brats. YOU think they're cute. WE don't. Sell your own snake oil, stop using your kids to do it.
4. Vice taxes and laws. You can take these and shove 'em. We don't for a minute think you're more moral than we are, and we damn sure don't think we OWE you ANYTHING just because we drink, smoke, use drugs, hire whores, pay stippers, or rent goats for Roman style orgies. (OK, there should be a tax on goat orgies, because not even I would go that far). We're not going to take it anymore. We're buying tobacco seeds and growing our own, just like we do everything else you outlaw: UNDERGROUND. Nothing changes, but the gummint LOSES revenue, becomes a hypocrite, and fills up prisons.
5. Shopping carts. They're too damned small. This is AMERICA dammit. We like things BIG. I want a shopping cart so big it needs a V-8 diesel engine of its own. I'm tired of trying to crap 3 days worth of groceries into a cart the size of a matchbox.
6. Guys wearing flipper-floppers. Do I need more proof the sperm count has gone through the floor into the basement? Do you NOT own a pair of BOOTS? Or at LEAST some effin A tennis shoes? Seriously sweetie, you're little pedicure may be cute, but save the damned flipper floppers for the beach and the bathroom, even if if they do match your new golf visor. A few of us still have our balls intact, and just because your wife has yours in a jar, it doesn't mean we want to look at your tootsies.
posted by Jason E. Peck at 7:46 PM
1 Comments:
holy crap, you are right on again.
signed, a breeder cow
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